Thursday, 30 November 2006


People can't sleep but can't get themselves awake either. The most common topic of conversation (if that is what the deep unfocused mumble should indeed be called), is the absence of the sun. No-one has seen it even by a glimpse for weeks. We miss it, if we didn't concentrate on missing it we'd forget it's existence altogether.
How we wish to fall in winter-hibernation... I've been suggesting all of Finland should go on strike - and sleep - until the sun is given back to us. The Soviets used to use chemicals to get rid of clouds on parade days, didn't they? ...Sure, not too ecolologically sound. Atleast I wouldn't be the only one that doesn't get anything done (I forsee this coma-like state of mine going on until the end of january at least, but I sure hope not...). It keeps raining. If it was snow it'd be better, snow reflects and multiplies the little light there is - besides I'm tired of wet trouser legs.


I don't think I've ever been this happy at this time of the year.
I'm not bursting with joy ...but yes, I'm happy.
. . .

Thursday, 23 November 2006

Fertilizers and circles ( = crop circles? ;D )

Revisiting my earlier posts created an interesting thought in my head:
Shouldn't it /couldn't it be a good thing if there's a lot of crap in a relationship? Manure is good for the soil isn't it? The thought interests me.

Immediately after this I got a textmessage from my girlfriend where she called me "her flower". I told her to give me lots of light and to not overfertilize or -water me, and that she was the chicken poo of the soil of my feelings :) Sweet?

Oddly enough this created a whole other link to another thing I was thinking before, about things in life going/working in circles. Really I'm too much of a realist, but I'm greatly tempted to think there is something mysterious/magical about those circles that continuosly present themselves to me. Maybe I should become a "believer" ...instead of the cold hard rationalist?
Well, I'm already a dreamer.

People see meaning and reason behind coincidences because
they don't register the millions of things that have no connection/relation/link/coincidence with anything,
whirling around us in pure chaos,
but notice the one in a million incident where two or more things connect by chance.
(I love that chaos; for the complex logic behind the current of events and for the beauty of it's rare and yet abundant coincidents - the art of chance and the art of nature - and the fact how lucky I am on a given moment to be there, physically and mentally, to witness and to perceive it.)
Some give a philosophical answer to the question
like "a coincidence only exist when there is someone to observe the incidence", which is almost the same thing what I'm saying, but kind of like the "does a crashing tree in the woods make a sound if there is no-one there to hear it?" (ofcourse it does;) ),
to me it's pretty much just mathematics (probability calculus - By the way, funny enough, I suck at it!) besides the human reception part.
Well, others think it is by no chance.
The need to find reason and meaning behind things is so strong in humans that it misleads us from the actual reasons. The easiest way to go is to explain everything with just one explanation - usually this being god or something similar.
But isn't that what I too just did?
I'm not blind to that.
Science is in a way a religion too, but a bit more realistic well-thought and democratic then the rest, I would say. The nice thing about science is that it's not that much about deciding and claiming what the one unchangeable Truth is, but to step by step get a little closer to it (with some backward-steps too).

Besides I don't bind my beliefs in science either. I'm an agnostic and a dreamer all the way!
Infact I'm thinking whether I should give more room for my spiritual side, and maybe do some (more/all-the-way) leaps of faith of my own. Some things just don't work half-way, not for me anyways - like Love.

May Love enlighten my Spirit.
. . .

Tuesday, 21 November 2006

Calling the bluff?

Should I call the bluff as I see the bluff?

I do not like being manipulated/played.
And although I do try to trust in people as my first disposition, I am sensitive to noticing lies / when something is "left out"/ psychological games.
The big problem in this is that once someone is caught for telling a lie to me, I pretty much start to question and mistrust everything that comes out of their mouth. I'm like a big loyal dog - treat me bad once and the trust is gone.

But whether or not to call such bluffs?
If I don't I'll be taken for a fool who doesn't realize what's happening. But I don't really mind that very much - something someone thinks of me doesn't change what I know I am.
If someone thinks I'm stupid and gullible, they get careless and don't bother making up good lies / explanations etc. Therefor I get the advantage to better know what they are getting at or what exactly is the goal of or reasons behind their game.
Or I may find out if infact I have misinterpreted the situation, and thereafter won't accuse the person of something he/she hasn't done.
So I kind of get on top of the situation.
Or do I? I'm still the one that's being manipulated.

And on the other hand, this makes me untruthful and play a game!
Which is just intolerable!

So... I'm in a situation where I feel I'm being played and not told things.
Telling everything isn't necessary in a relationship, but when something is left out strategicly it can create a notion that the thing (or the lie) must have some great significance, because it needs to be hidden - "There must be something behind this! Why else would she lie/ have something to hide?"

If I confront her with this, she'll deny it and A: stop doing it, B: start doing it more cunningly; and it would be up to my paranoia which option I would believe.
And beyond that, I think she might genuinely think she isn't playing any games. She hides from herself but isn't capable of accepting that.
It might also be that she doesn't think what she does is wrong. There are different essential ways of seeing the world/reality afterall (whether I like the other views or not). In which case asking her not to do it anymore would do the trick if she truly cares about me. If not... that could definitely become a "dealbreaker", since being truthful is so essential for me.

What can I do or say if she doesn't even realilize that she does this?
What to do, what to do..?

Ofcourse the one last option is that I could just be plain wrong about the whole thing.
. . .

Monday, 20 November 2006

My sins nro.1 & 2 & 3

(Not in any particular order - as in nro.1 = not necessarily the worst. Also they could be counted as two separate sins or just one).
1. Judging, being judgemental of people
2. Contempt (/false "righteousness")
3. Despising weekness

I have a tendency to try to impose my beliefs of what The Truth is on other people, and what is "Right" (as opposite to "Wrong". I don't necessarily believe in "Right and Wrong", but I do believe in "Right" to a certain degree). I am judgemental, to a great extent. Which leads to the next sin: contempt.
Which also leeds to my maybe worst sin of them all: I despise weekness.

I'm still trying to decide on the format, colours, fonts, content etc stuff on this blog.
These themes of this days post and the following came to my mind from the title of this blog "Veritas Lux Mea":
My meaning is not to tell here people what (I think) is the Truth, but to find out what is true - for myself. I hope I will be able to keep myself (mostly) on that path.
. . .

Friday, 17 November 2006

The beginning

So... I have given the devil my little finger and am about to start to blog. Christ.
Oh, with a religious tone too. Probably not entirely by accident.

It seems natural to me to start with setting some general attributes for this blog (mainly for myself)
and explaining my choices concerning - well - a lot of things about this blog.

It's 5 am so this first post will certainly not be brilliant.

My goal is to not make this a diary. But I am not sure how I can be able to not process relationship issues (and such) here since that is what so much occupies my mind right now.
It would be nice to fill this space in the web by brilliant philosophical, scientific etc. thoughts only, but I'm afraid it will be more of use to me as a tool - to sort my thoughts on those matters that most distract me... So I kinda need a place to dump everything UNimportant! So that I can consentrate on the IMportant in my actual actions in life (Not that such things as relationships wouldn't be important, but there's a lot of crap taht comes up that is best sorted before acting out on them).
I wonder if I could make two sections here? One that is more like pseudopublic therapy that no-one needs to read, and another one filled with that brilliant insight I'm deluted enough to think I have in me ;)
See - one reason for doing this is that I have become too lazy to write a traditional diary.
I don't see reason in writing on the web unless I want people to read my writings. So basicly I should keep this "userfriendly" enough for me to give my friends and loved ones the access to my thoughts. That'd be userfriendly mostly for me actually... (emotional opinions about people and stuff made public when thoughts and feelings not prosessed yet = misunderstandings + angry/hurt/etc people)
Oh, I can't decide...

Ok, for the other choices then.
I have for long loved the frase "veritas lux mea". This means "totuus valaisee minut/minua" in finnish, in english usually translated "the truth enlightens me / The truth is my light". It is so grandiose that I hesitated, and since I have become a lot less "hard core" regarding The Truth (I used to see myself as a vassal for Truth (personified) - I hadn't chosen it but it had chosen me (with no particular illusions of grandeur, mind you!). I think I have now become more the master of my own truth).
But maybe in a way the name of the blog gives a good aim? Besides I added the answer of what I think that truth is beneath it (although my latin is so poor that the grammar might be absolute crap).
Why english? Why latin? Why not?
..Well english for more general access I guess, I didn't really even give it a thought. So it's bad latin and bad english then, maybe some finnish here and there. The latin parts are pretty much because of a coincidence - that just happened to interest me this night. It might as well been quenya or something...

"Animosa" I feel might be a good way to describe (one side of) my personality; atleast in this context, or how I prefer to view myself. (Even as the word "animosity", I guess, does derive from this latin word). I'll leave it untranslated for now.
"Amorifer" appealed to me simply because of the word's similarity to the word "Lucifer". And the fact that the word stands for totally opposite things than what Lucifer usually represents to people (So it has a lot to do with my recently incresed dislike towards satanists/satanism ...And of organized religions in general).

Themes of love and hate - That could be one way to see it.
But I think I'm going for the finer nuances.

I'll end this very silly first rambling to the one last explanation:

Animus = mind, intellect, soul, feelings, heart, spirit, courage, character, pride, air

This word truly strucks a cord in me.
(they are/) It is essentially me -
and what I hold important to me and also to my (or anyones) growth as a being.
. . .