Falling?

Did I fall from the rope? Did I loose my balance or just decide to fly? Or rather, take a free fall.

If I did - I fell in my head on a spin, light as a feather and landed safely on an embracing net.

Or maybe I'm still dancing in the sky - together with my love - with my love in my arms. I'm happy, amazed, bedazzled - and truly happy. There's still a lot of balancing, big movements, but it is all so easy. I am after all - light as a feather. I am so light that I can hold my love up in the air as well.

It feels like the world is swirling and altering around me, tossing me and my love about gently. While I am - we are - still and calm; affected and moved - elastic - yet sound, firm, certain - true.

This is my Truth and I am lit. Veritas lux mea.

Together we make up something more than just two people, something alltogether new - new and exciting, but in a calm sort of way, something that comes very natural and effortless, like breathing.

I think people call this falling in love.

***

Hiber Nation & Islands

It's that time again. Time for winter hibernation. Not to expect any mental motion forward upon this season. Although some think winter is a good time for some introspective thinking and closing in with oneself sort of business. I just go to a physical and mental jam. When I awake of it a few months later I can remember hardly anything of the time passed and the rest is a porriage of hazy recollections.

I'm still entertaining the thought of whole of Finland going to "sleep" for every winter. Just shut everything down, and/or get foreign workforce for the most essential stuff. This would be right.
Also, today came up an idea of a Finnish colony of seasonal refugees settling down for winter in some small village or a huge house somewhere in the South. The proper instalments would be set up for remote work. A great idea - wish I had the money to organize this. Oh, well - the dream lives on... waiting for good opportunities maybe?


I did recently get a reminder, or a lesson if you will, of something important I should say. Unpleasant to some degree, but important none the less.

In the end you are alone. Every man IS an island.

This does not mean you should shut yourself from others or their influence. I still believe firmly that 1+1>2 (Ah, mathematics! Calculus! The exact thing I suck at! Haha, anyways...) But ultimately you are alone, in the end you must not depend yourself on others. It would be unreasonable to ask of that, and also just plain selfdestructive. No-one can ever totally understand you, no-one can ever totally get inside your head, you are the only one in your world, everyone lives alone on their island. You must rely on yourself with your happiness. Not make it someone else's responsibility, not expect too much of others. You are alone. Ultimately.

But only ultimately - you need only to remember this. In life, mostly... depending, trusting, loving others and being loved and trusting in that and that people do want to understand you, they will try to be as good as they can to you and to make you happy, they will want to make you and themselves feel as much not-alone as they possibly can ...is good. You should do it ;)

***

A note on producing/causing/awakening love

I had forgotten that the word "Amorifer" actually is a proper Latin word and not just some mongrel word invented/conjured up by me :)

Sometimes I like being surprised by the things I have forgotten.

***

The Nest

I'm safe.

I'm a stranger.

I'm getting fulfilled.

I'm twirling in a vortex. I've come to the place I was ment to. I believe this is atleast "a pit stop" in my journey. It's nice and calm in the sense that I am here now and in no hurry forward. But it's intense and burning and my head spins with everything I'm encountering. It's scary and it's safe.

And someone loves the stranger that is me. This was unexpected. It burns and it soothes and it's thrills me. And it's confusing and wonderful and scary.

***

Procession

This might be something that could be called an in-between post. Although not many of my recent scribblings have been very much thought out in advance.

In some cultures time is percived as - not circular exactly - but spiral.
I feel I'm getting to the tighter and faster curves. I'm suddenly gaining momentum again, not only that, I'm going over the speedlimits again... It certainly does not surprise me that soon after I decide to start proceeding more carefully and only make small steps - slow, close movements - a push comes and ...well, there's an explosion of speed.

I'm living dangerously - in a way. Yet I feel secure. How can I be this fearless?
But the rope I'm balancing on is definitely wobbling strongly. I'm forced into quick counter movements, corrections from side to side. This is to say: my intentions, reactions, feelings, the different aspects of my personality, the past now and future I; are not stable, allthough in a tricky balance. I must concentrate much on myself. I don't like that.
The changes, the fast movement forward, the balancing, the circles I am moving around and around in (re-entering old ones, starting new ones...), the need to be sharp, to concentrate on myself, the curiosity that burns me - I fear getting too selfish. Will I do anything to learn and to experience? I do not want to hurt anyone - but will I have to sacrifice this principle? I do not want to get lost while trying to achive the opposite.
Am I just worried over nothing..?

I felt this jolt of change coming - the excitement made knots in my stomach. It made me smile. It made me feel like I was in Love. I knew something was just about to happen.

Now crazy feelings. Happy, excited, doubtful feelings. Even fear.
But I keep pushing it. No pushing on the breaks now.

Fuck - I'm loving going over the speedlimits.
. . .

Presumptions & Hope

Making NO presumptions leaves room for hope. Hope is the way to disappointment. It is a cruel gift indeed.
I will still rather keep my hope and my mind open ...as much as I humanly possibly can.
I will keep balancing on the rope - with this two edged sword too. But for a while I think - I will settle for some close movements and not make any great leaps.

I do think I've lost the momentum. I think I may be giving up on certain endeavours, for now.
Or is this just a lesson I don't want to take?

My trip was mentally unsuccesfull - in more ways than I even first thought. Life played a cruel joke on me, with my own eager help. And I never left "home" even though I was in the middle of the ocean.
...Unless maybe for a few moments:
When the salty water hit my face with force as the waves battered and threw about the small sailing boat, as I smiled and thought about what a gentle lover the sea is to us.
I wouldn't have guessed I wouldn't be at all afraid at that situation.
. . .

Frostbites & Growth

Is this the wrong direction? Am I just too scared to actually take the "right" road? Or is it just that I want to go over the speedlimit while the whole traffic is jammed?
I'm taking risks, but not enough I still feel, yet I am vulnerable.
I have appetites to satisfy and lessons to learn! Don't stop me now!

I'll go on a trip. A whole new kind of trip - to see what lies in the new horizon. Sailing.
I hope I can make the trip in my life and within my thoughts as well.
I'm sure the change will help me see more clearly what exactly is going on in my life. The changes you make into your physical world help make the same changes mentally. The effect works both ways - you may travel to the other side of the world but if nothing changes in your thinking, you get nowhere.

I want to burst into life, but the world is too dangerous a place. I'm drawn to cold people, but don't want to get frostbitten. Something definitely is out of sync! Like I was a plant that thinks it's springtime, but all the others think it's winter, and what IS it then really?
Think it could be spring - if there weren't for the stallers and the speedlimits.
Maybe I just am one of those crazy plants that bloom in the most awkward times.

Beats of the heart can not be controlled. This insatiable burning pesters me.
I can't be sure whether I wish to cease to have these strong needs and feelings or to find a channel to explode with them. Being inbetween is too difficult. Oh, why does the world have to hinder me... I have lessons to learn! I have much growing to do! There is light but there is no water!

The problem is that I need some people or someone who'll meet me on the same level - and meet my needs. They seem scarce. Many things I have learnt in the recent times by just connecting with the right, new, different, good people ...but I keep wasting a lot of time with bad seeds too.
...and (as I have stated) it's not - nothing quite is - enough right at this moment in life (atleast nothing that I am getting).

Besides I'm scared of finding myself to be one of the bad seeds.
. . .

Burning desire

I've been sleeping indeed?
I should start writing this blog again - It's fucking important!

A lot has changed.

Many circles have moved forward, become full, started again and whole new ones started.

I've learnt a lot. I've become very impatient to learn even more - nothing is quite enough - the world can NOT keep up with the beat my heart needs - I try to force it - it maybe isn't a good idea to hurry things by force. I just WANT so much, right now. And it's always been like that for me - if things take too long or come too slowly I can't concentrate (like in school) - now the slow, clumsy and even backwards pace depresses and passivates me quite a bit...
Right now I'm in a state of waiting.

I think I have become slightly more accepting and thus less judgemental.

I've become stronger once again. I know I have less to fear.

I've started drinking coffee, lost my fear of heights and well... become uncertain of certain things that had become a very big part of my identity.

I've found some old traits in me again.

Some mighty big circles have caught up with themselves. I've found some long lost pieces of identity again. Wild stuff. Assuring and empowering stuff. Very old pieces of personality.
I'll have to learn many things again from the beginning.
It's fortunate that we have our whole life for this process. But it IS hard to let go of the "old ways" the "outdated knowledge". And I'm very apprehensive because I feel like I'm in a hurry - probably because I fear the lack of fleetness will cause me to loose momentum for learning, the changes and evolving as a person. I might get stuck in the muck.

One slightly unpleasant newfound trait is my impatience with and slight lack of empathy towards people - In the sense that it annoys me immensely that I have to be dependent on other people and their wishes and wants as well as my own, when I WANT something from them. It's a little hard for me to accept that I may have to wait and - even worse - not get what I want at all!
Ok, I know this sounds bad. I express myself bluntly to be clear. This trait isn't a predominant one - and doesn't concern any everyday small things - but certain specific subjects and people that have caught my burning curiosity.

Enough for now. This was quite incoherent.
. . .