Home

I am lost. But I'm at home!

The realization of this fills me with a sense of gripping happiness. I know where my heart is - without any doubt - because the best journey is always the journey back home... And home truly is where the heart is.

I have found the object of my purpose - that which fills my heart with the greatest Love I have ever known. All my intuition, all the paths I've taken, have lead me to this end - to the Love of my life, born from me and followed by my wanders - my child that I love more than my own life. Love is the truth, love is life.

Amor est veritas. Amor lux vita.

Together we will continue our journey, and the light within me will shine bright on our path. Lost and wandering, yet at home. Home. I am happy, and I am at home.

***

Lost with company

I went all the way trough the funnel-like spiral - no wonder it felt in the stomach. The speed was crazy and the turns steep, almost spinning around my own head (well isn't life always about that). In the end I span out of that spiral with speed and traded the fast turns into floating in the air with only a slow feather-like twirling dance. I was undefined, had lost my focus, but was not worried. And fell on to a whole new ground.

I was thrown out of that cycle only to start a new one. Now the turns are slow and long - even tedious - I feel I'm missing progress. I've had to put some personal aspirations on hold. Also I got lost. I did finally fall from the rope, and the net didn't catch me, no one did - and that hurt. Every man is indeed an island. But I'm surviving. Some day I will climb high enough to get on that rope again. I've lost grip of a lot of things I already had understood, getting forward is slow, but I am not the same person that I was before falling (oh, what a wonderful fall it was). And I know I'll pick up some speed again as I'm getting back on my feet - slowly and if not steady at least with stubbornness - onwards to a new spiral!

I went through the end of the funnel with my love and started this new journey with a new companion. Indeed we made something altogether new together. I see so many circles closing, starting and repeating. On this cycle she is the center of my world and she is my sun. I'm lost with company. And I'm a changed person. And for now helping her to start her own journey is the focal point of my journey. My companion's step is light, curiosity high and laughter luminous - I will follow her. I'm her guide and she is my teacher - together we'll find our way - and our own paths. The road is ruff but there is no dark, my feet hurt but the sun is warm on my smiling face - amoris lux mundus, love makes the world a bright place.

(edit)
P.s. I'd like to end this post with a quote by Hugh Sidey - Carry laughter with you wherever you go. I hope she will; laughter makes the luggage light.

***

The Quest

I may have found a piece of truth in realizing that the Truth can be found by letting go of the compelling quest for it, that the truth indeed is found in small often accidental pieces in the easily disregarded everyday things of life. The quest for Truth needs not be forceful and all-consuming. The most important thing is to be open, to observe, to try to see, to rather be understanding than try to understand by force - just be receptive to whatever it is that happens to come your way - or is chosen for you to find out, if you like ;)

***

Falling?

Did I fall from the rope? Did I loose my balance or just decide to fly? Or rather, take a free fall.

If I did - I fell in my head on a spin, light as a feather and landed safely on an embracing net.

Or maybe I'm still dancing in the sky - together with my love - with my love in my arms. I'm happy, amazed, bedazzled - and truly happy. There's still a lot of balancing, big movements, but it is all so easy. I am after all - light as a feather. I am so light that I can hold my love up in the air as well.

It feels like the world is swirling and altering around me, tossing me and my love about gently. While I am - we are - still and calm; affected and moved - elastic - yet sound, firm, certain - true.

This is my Truth and I am lit. Veritas lux mea.

Together we make up something more than just two people, something alltogether new - new and exciting, but in a calm sort of way, something that comes very natural and effortless, like breathing.

I think people call this falling in love.

***

Hiber Nation & Islands

It's that time again. Time for winter hibernation. Not to expect any mental motion forward upon this season. Although some think winter is a good time for some introspective thinking and closing in with oneself sort of business. I just go to a physical and mental jam. When I awake of it a few months later I can remember hardly anything of the time passed and the rest is a porriage of hazy recollections.

I'm still entertaining the thought of whole of Finland going to "sleep" for every winter. Just shut everything down, and/or get foreign workforce for the most essential stuff. This would be right.
Also, today came up an idea of a Finnish colony of seasonal refugees settling down for winter in some small village or a huge house somewhere in the South. The proper instalments would be set up for remote work. A great idea - wish I had the money to organize this. Oh, well - the dream lives on... waiting for good opportunities maybe?


I did recently get a reminder, or a lesson if you will, of something important I should say. Unpleasant to some degree, but important none the less.

In the end you are alone. Every man IS an island.

This does not mean you should shut yourself from others or their influence. I still believe firmly that 1+1>2 (Ah, mathematics! Calculus! The exact thing I suck at! Haha, anyways...) But ultimately you are alone, in the end you must not depend yourself on others. It would be unreasonable to ask of that, and also just plain selfdestructive. No-one can ever totally understand you, no-one can ever totally get inside your head, you are the only one in your world, everyone lives alone on their island. You must rely on yourself with your happiness. Not make it someone else's responsibility, not expect too much of others. You are alone. Ultimately.

But only ultimately - you need only to remember this. In life, mostly... depending, trusting, loving others and being loved and trusting in that and that people do want to understand you, they will try to be as good as they can to you and to make you happy, they will want to make you and themselves feel as much not-alone as they possibly can ...is good. You should do it ;)

***

A note on producing/causing/awakening love

I had forgotten that the word "Amorifer" actually is a proper Latin word and not just some mongrel word invented/conjured up by me :)

Sometimes I like being surprised by the things I have forgotten.

***

The Nest

I'm safe.

I'm a stranger.

I'm getting fulfilled.

I'm twirling in a vortex. I've come to the place I was ment to. I believe this is atleast "a pit stop" in my journey. It's nice and calm in the sense that I am here now and in no hurry forward. But it's intense and burning and my head spins with everything I'm encountering. It's scary and it's safe.

And someone loves the stranger that is me. This was unexpected. It burns and it soothes and it's thrills me. And it's confusing and wonderful and scary.

***

Procession

This might be something that could be called an in-between post. Although not many of my recent scribblings have been very much thought out in advance.

In some cultures time is percived as - not circular exactly - but spiral.
I feel I'm getting to the tighter and faster curves. I'm suddenly gaining momentum again, not only that, I'm going over the speedlimits again... It certainly does not surprise me that soon after I decide to start proceeding more carefully and only make small steps - slow, close movements - a push comes and ...well, there's an explosion of speed.

I'm living dangerously - in a way. Yet I feel secure. How can I be this fearless?
But the rope I'm balancing on is definitely wobbling strongly. I'm forced into quick counter movements, corrections from side to side. This is to say: my intentions, reactions, feelings, the different aspects of my personality, the past now and future I; are not stable, allthough in a tricky balance. I must concentrate much on myself. I don't like that.
The changes, the fast movement forward, the balancing, the circles I am moving around and around in (re-entering old ones, starting new ones...), the need to be sharp, to concentrate on myself, the curiosity that burns me - I fear getting too selfish. Will I do anything to learn and to experience? I do not want to hurt anyone - but will I have to sacrifice this principle? I do not want to get lost while trying to achive the opposite.
Am I just worried over nothing..?

I felt this jolt of change coming - the excitement made knots in my stomach. It made me smile. It made me feel like I was in Love. I knew something was just about to happen.

Now crazy feelings. Happy, excited, doubtful feelings. Even fear.
But I keep pushing it. No pushing on the breaks now.

Fuck - I'm loving going over the speedlimits.
. . .

Presumptions & Hope

Making NO presumptions leaves room for hope. Hope is the way to disappointment. It is a cruel gift indeed.
I will still rather keep my hope and my mind open ...as much as I humanly possibly can.
I will keep balancing on the rope - with this two edged sword too. But for a while I think - I will settle for some close movements and not make any great leaps.

I do think I've lost the momentum. I think I may be giving up on certain endeavours, for now.
Or is this just a lesson I don't want to take?

My trip was mentally unsuccesfull - in more ways than I even first thought. Life played a cruel joke on me, with my own eager help. And I never left "home" even though I was in the middle of the ocean.
...Unless maybe for a few moments:
When the salty water hit my face with force as the waves battered and threw about the small sailing boat, as I smiled and thought about what a gentle lover the sea is to us.
I wouldn't have guessed I wouldn't be at all afraid at that situation.
. . .

Frostbites & Growth

Is this the wrong direction? Am I just too scared to actually take the "right" road? Or is it just that I want to go over the speedlimit while the whole traffic is jammed?
I'm taking risks, but not enough I still feel, yet I am vulnerable.
I have appetites to satisfy and lessons to learn! Don't stop me now!

I'll go on a trip. A whole new kind of trip - to see what lies in the new horizon. Sailing.
I hope I can make the trip in my life and within my thoughts as well.
I'm sure the change will help me see more clearly what exactly is going on in my life. The changes you make into your physical world help make the same changes mentally. The effect works both ways - you may travel to the other side of the world but if nothing changes in your thinking, you get nowhere.

I want to burst into life, but the world is too dangerous a place. I'm drawn to cold people, but don't want to get frostbitten. Something definitely is out of sync! Like I was a plant that thinks it's springtime, but all the others think it's winter, and what IS it then really?
Think it could be spring - if there weren't for the stallers and the speedlimits.
Maybe I just am one of those crazy plants that bloom in the most awkward times.

Beats of the heart can not be controlled. This insatiable burning pesters me.
I can't be sure whether I wish to cease to have these strong needs and feelings or to find a channel to explode with them. Being inbetween is too difficult. Oh, why does the world have to hinder me... I have lessons to learn! I have much growing to do! There is light but there is no water!

The problem is that I need some people or someone who'll meet me on the same level - and meet my needs. They seem scarce. Many things I have learnt in the recent times by just connecting with the right, new, different, good people ...but I keep wasting a lot of time with bad seeds too.
...and (as I have stated) it's not - nothing quite is - enough right at this moment in life (atleast nothing that I am getting).

Besides I'm scared of finding myself to be one of the bad seeds.
. . .

Burning desire

I've been sleeping indeed?
I should start writing this blog again - It's fucking important!

A lot has changed.

Many circles have moved forward, become full, started again and whole new ones started.

I've learnt a lot. I've become very impatient to learn even more - nothing is quite enough - the world can NOT keep up with the beat my heart needs - I try to force it - it maybe isn't a good idea to hurry things by force. I just WANT so much, right now. And it's always been like that for me - if things take too long or come too slowly I can't concentrate (like in school) - now the slow, clumsy and even backwards pace depresses and passivates me quite a bit...
Right now I'm in a state of waiting.

I think I have become slightly more accepting and thus less judgemental.

I've become stronger once again. I know I have less to fear.

I've started drinking coffee, lost my fear of heights and well... become uncertain of certain things that had become a very big part of my identity.

I've found some old traits in me again.

Some mighty big circles have caught up with themselves. I've found some long lost pieces of identity again. Wild stuff. Assuring and empowering stuff. Very old pieces of personality.
I'll have to learn many things again from the beginning.
It's fortunate that we have our whole life for this process. But it IS hard to let go of the "old ways" the "outdated knowledge". And I'm very apprehensive because I feel like I'm in a hurry - probably because I fear the lack of fleetness will cause me to loose momentum for learning, the changes and evolving as a person. I might get stuck in the muck.

One slightly unpleasant newfound trait is my impatience with and slight lack of empathy towards people - In the sense that it annoys me immensely that I have to be dependent on other people and their wishes and wants as well as my own, when I WANT something from them. It's a little hard for me to accept that I may have to wait and - even worse - not get what I want at all!
Ok, I know this sounds bad. I express myself bluntly to be clear. This trait isn't a predominant one - and doesn't concern any everyday small things - but certain specific subjects and people that have caught my burning curiosity.

Enough for now. This was quite incoherent.
. . .

Sleeping

People can't sleep but can't get themselves awake either. The most common topic of conversation (if that is what the deep unfocused mumble should indeed be called), is the absence of the sun. No-one has seen it even by a glimpse for weeks. We miss it, if we didn't concentrate on missing it we'd forget it's existence altogether.
How we wish to fall in winter-hibernation... I've been suggesting all of Finland should go on strike - and sleep - until the sun is given back to us. The Soviets used to use chemicals to get rid of clouds on parade days, didn't they? ...Sure, not too ecolologically sound. Atleast I wouldn't be the only one that doesn't get anything done (I forsee this coma-like state of mine going on until the end of january at least, but I sure hope not...). It keeps raining. If it was snow it'd be better, snow reflects and multiplies the little light there is - besides I'm tired of wet trouser legs.

Still...

I don't think I've ever been this happy at this time of the year.
I'm not bursting with joy ...but yes, I'm happy.
. . .

Fertilizers and circles ( = crop circles? ;D )

Revisiting my earlier posts created an interesting thought in my head:
Shouldn't it /couldn't it be a good thing if there's a lot of crap in a relationship? Manure is good for the soil isn't it? The thought interests me.

Immediately after this I got a textmessage from my girlfriend where she called me "her flower". I told her to give me lots of light and to not overfertilize or -water me, and that she was the chicken poo of the soil of my feelings :) Sweet?

Oddly enough this created a whole other link to another thing I was thinking before, about things in life going/working in circles. Really I'm too much of a realist, but I'm greatly tempted to think there is something mysterious/magical about those circles that continuosly present themselves to me. Maybe I should become a "believer" ...instead of the cold hard rationalist?
Well, I'm already a dreamer.


People see meaning and reason behind coincidences because
they don't register the millions of things that have no connection/relation/link/coincidence with anything,
whirling around us in pure chaos,
but notice the one in a million incident where two or more things connect by chance.
(I love that chaos; for the complex logic behind the current of events and for the beauty of it's rare and yet abundant coincidents - the art of chance and the art of nature - and the fact how lucky I am on a given moment to be there, physically and mentally, to witness and to perceive it.)
Some give a philosophical answer to the question
like "a coincidence only exist when there is someone to observe the incidence", which is almost the same thing what I'm saying, but kind of like the "does a crashing tree in the woods make a sound if there is no-one there to hear it?" (ofcourse it does;) ),
to me it's pretty much just mathematics (probability calculus - By the way, funny enough, I suck at it!) besides the human reception part.
Well, others think it is by no chance.
The need to find reason and meaning behind things is so strong in humans that it misleads us from the actual reasons. The easiest way to go is to explain everything with just one explanation - usually this being god or something similar.
But isn't that what I too just did?
I'm not blind to that.
Science is in a way a religion too, but a bit more realistic well-thought and democratic then the rest, I would say. The nice thing about science is that it's not that much about deciding and claiming what the one unchangeable Truth is, but to step by step get a little closer to it (with some backward-steps too).

Besides I don't bind my beliefs in science either. I'm an agnostic and a dreamer all the way!
Infact I'm thinking whether I should give more room for my spiritual side, and maybe do some (more/all-the-way) leaps of faith of my own. Some things just don't work half-way, not for me anyways - like Love.

May Love enlighten my Spirit.
. . .

Calling the bluff?

Should I call the bluff as I see the bluff?

I do not like being manipulated/played.
And although I do try to trust in people as my first disposition, I am sensitive to noticing lies / when something is "left out"/ psychological games.
The big problem in this is that once someone is caught for telling a lie to me, I pretty much start to question and mistrust everything that comes out of their mouth. I'm like a big loyal dog - treat me bad once and the trust is gone.

But whether or not to call such bluffs?
If I don't I'll be taken for a fool who doesn't realize what's happening. But I don't really mind that very much - something someone thinks of me doesn't change what I know I am.
If someone thinks I'm stupid and gullible, they get careless and don't bother making up good lies / explanations etc. Therefor I get the advantage to better know what they are getting at or what exactly is the goal of or reasons behind their game.
Or I may find out if infact I have misinterpreted the situation, and thereafter won't accuse the person of something he/she hasn't done.
So I kind of get on top of the situation.
Or do I? I'm still the one that's being manipulated.

And on the other hand, this makes me untruthful and play a game!
Which is just intolerable!

So... I'm in a situation where I feel I'm being played and not told things.
Telling everything isn't necessary in a relationship, but when something is left out strategicly it can create a notion that the thing (or the lie) must have some great significance, because it needs to be hidden - "There must be something behind this! Why else would she lie/ have something to hide?"

If I confront her with this, she'll deny it and A: stop doing it, B: start doing it more cunningly; and it would be up to my paranoia which option I would believe.
And beyond that, I think she might genuinely think she isn't playing any games. She hides from herself but isn't capable of accepting that.
It might also be that she doesn't think what she does is wrong. There are different essential ways of seeing the world/reality afterall (whether I like the other views or not). In which case asking her not to do it anymore would do the trick if she truly cares about me. If not... that could definitely become a "dealbreaker", since being truthful is so essential for me.

What can I do or say if she doesn't even realilize that she does this?
What to do, what to do..?

Ofcourse the one last option is that I could just be plain wrong about the whole thing.
. . .

My sins nro.1 & 2 & 3

(Not in any particular order - as in nro.1 = not necessarily the worst. Also they could be counted as two separate sins or just one).
1. Judging, being judgemental of people
2. Contempt (/false "righteousness")
3. Despising weekness

I have a tendency to try to impose my beliefs of what The Truth is on other people, and what is "Right" (as opposite to "Wrong". I don't necessarily believe in "Right and Wrong", but I do believe in "Right" to a certain degree). I am judgemental, to a great extent. Which leads to the next sin: contempt.
Which also leeds to my maybe worst sin of them all: I despise weekness.

I'm still trying to decide on the format, colours, fonts, content etc stuff on this blog.
These themes of this days post and the following came to my mind from the title of this blog "Veritas Lux Mea":
My meaning is not to tell here people what (I think) is the Truth, but to find out what is true - for myself. I hope I will be able to keep myself (mostly) on that path.
. . .

The beginning

So... I have given the devil my little finger and am about to start to blog. Christ.
Oh, with a religious tone too. Probably not entirely by accident.

It seems natural to me to start with setting some general attributes for this blog (mainly for myself)
and explaining my choices concerning - well - a lot of things about this blog.

It's 5 am so this first post will certainly not be brilliant.

My goal is to not make this a diary. But I am not sure how I can be able to not process relationship issues (and such) here since that is what so much occupies my mind right now.
It would be nice to fill this space in the web by brilliant philosophical, scientific etc. thoughts only, but I'm afraid it will be more of use to me as a tool - to sort my thoughts on those matters that most distract me... So I kinda need a place to dump everything UNimportant! So that I can consentrate on the IMportant in my actual actions in life (Not that such things as relationships wouldn't be important, but there's a lot of crap taht comes up that is best sorted before acting out on them).
I wonder if I could make two sections here? One that is more like pseudopublic therapy that no-one needs to read, and another one filled with that brilliant insight I'm deluted enough to think I have in me ;)
See - one reason for doing this is that I have become too lazy to write a traditional diary.
But,
I don't see reason in writing on the web unless I want people to read my writings. So basicly I should keep this "userfriendly" enough for me to give my friends and loved ones the access to my thoughts. That'd be userfriendly mostly for me actually... (emotional opinions about people and stuff made public when thoughts and feelings not prosessed yet = misunderstandings + angry/hurt/etc people)
Oh, I can't decide...

Ok, for the other choices then.
I have for long loved the frase "veritas lux mea". This means "totuus valaisee minut/minua" in finnish, in english usually translated "the truth enlightens me / The truth is my light". It is so grandiose that I hesitated, and since I have become a lot less "hard core" regarding The Truth (I used to see myself as a vassal for Truth (personified) - I hadn't chosen it but it had chosen me (with no particular illusions of grandeur, mind you!). I think I have now become more the master of my own truth).
But maybe in a way the name of the blog gives a good aim? Besides I added the answer of what I think that truth is beneath it (although my latin is so poor that the grammar might be absolute crap).
Why english? Why latin? Why not?
..Well english for more general access I guess, I didn't really even give it a thought. So it's bad latin and bad english then, maybe some finnish here and there. The latin parts are pretty much because of a coincidence - that just happened to interest me this night. It might as well been quenya or something...

"Animosa" I feel might be a good way to describe (one side of) my personality; atleast in this context, or how I prefer to view myself. (Even as the word "animosity", I guess, does derive from this latin word). I'll leave it untranslated for now.
"Amorifer" appealed to me simply because of the word's similarity to the word "Lucifer". And the fact that the word stands for totally opposite things than what Lucifer usually represents to people (So it has a lot to do with my recently incresed dislike towards satanists/satanism ...And of organized religions in general).

Themes of love and hate - That could be one way to see it.
But I think I'm going for the finer nuances.


I'll end this very silly first rambling to the one last explanation:

Animus = mind, intellect, soul, feelings, heart, spirit, courage, character, pride, air

This word truly strucks a cord in me.
(they are/) It is essentially me -
and what I hold important to me and also to my (or anyones) growth as a being.
. . .