Procession

This might be something that could be called an in-between post. Although not many of my recent scribblings have been very much thought out in advance.

In some cultures time is percived as - not circular exactly - but spiral.
I feel I'm getting to the tighter and faster curves. I'm suddenly gaining momentum again, not only that, I'm going over the speedlimits again... It certainly does not surprise me that soon after I decide to start proceeding more carefully and only make small steps - slow, close movements - a push comes and ...well, there's an explosion of speed.

I'm living dangerously - in a way. Yet I feel secure. How can I be this fearless?
But the rope I'm balancing on is definitely wobbling strongly. I'm forced into quick counter movements, corrections from side to side. This is to say: my intentions, reactions, feelings, the different aspects of my personality, the past now and future I; are not stable, allthough in a tricky balance. I must concentrate much on myself. I don't like that.
The changes, the fast movement forward, the balancing, the circles I am moving around and around in (re-entering old ones, starting new ones...), the need to be sharp, to concentrate on myself, the curiosity that burns me - I fear getting too selfish. Will I do anything to learn and to experience? I do not want to hurt anyone - but will I have to sacrifice this principle? I do not want to get lost while trying to achive the opposite.
Am I just worried over nothing..?

I felt this jolt of change coming - the excitement made knots in my stomach. It made me smile. It made me feel like I was in Love. I knew something was just about to happen.

Now crazy feelings. Happy, excited, doubtful feelings. Even fear.
But I keep pushing it. No pushing on the breaks now.

Fuck - I'm loving going over the speedlimits.
. . .

Presumptions & Hope

Making NO presumptions leaves room for hope. Hope is the way to disappointment. It is a cruel gift indeed.
I will still rather keep my hope and my mind open ...as much as I humanly possibly can.
I will keep balancing on the rope - with this two edged sword too. But for a while I think - I will settle for some close movements and not make any great leaps.

I do think I've lost the momentum. I think I may be giving up on certain endeavours, for now.
Or is this just a lesson I don't want to take?

My trip was mentally unsuccesfull - in more ways than I even first thought. Life played a cruel joke on me, with my own eager help. And I never left "home" even though I was in the middle of the ocean.
...Unless maybe for a few moments:
When the salty water hit my face with force as the waves battered and threw about the small sailing boat, as I smiled and thought about what a gentle lover the sea is to us.
I wouldn't have guessed I wouldn't be at all afraid at that situation.
. . .

Frostbites & Growth

Is this the wrong direction? Am I just too scared to actually take the "right" road? Or is it just that I want to go over the speedlimit while the whole traffic is jammed?
I'm taking risks, but not enough I still feel, yet I am vulnerable.
I have appetites to satisfy and lessons to learn! Don't stop me now!

I'll go on a trip. A whole new kind of trip - to see what lies in the new horizon. Sailing.
I hope I can make the trip in my life and within my thoughts as well.
I'm sure the change will help me see more clearly what exactly is going on in my life. The changes you make into your physical world help make the same changes mentally. The effect works both ways - you may travel to the other side of the world but if nothing changes in your thinking, you get nowhere.

I want to burst into life, but the world is too dangerous a place. I'm drawn to cold people, but don't want to get frostbitten. Something definitely is out of sync! Like I was a plant that thinks it's springtime, but all the others think it's winter, and what IS it then really?
Think it could be spring - if there weren't for the stallers and the speedlimits.
Maybe I just am one of those crazy plants that bloom in the most awkward times.

Beats of the heart can not be controlled. This insatiable burning pesters me.
I can't be sure whether I wish to cease to have these strong needs and feelings or to find a channel to explode with them. Being inbetween is too difficult. Oh, why does the world have to hinder me... I have lessons to learn! I have much growing to do! There is light but there is no water!

The problem is that I need some people or someone who'll meet me on the same level - and meet my needs. They seem scarce. Many things I have learnt in the recent times by just connecting with the right, new, different, good people ...but I keep wasting a lot of time with bad seeds too.
...and (as I have stated) it's not - nothing quite is - enough right at this moment in life (atleast nothing that I am getting).

Besides I'm scared of finding myself to be one of the bad seeds.
. . .

Burning desire

I've been sleeping indeed?
I should start writing this blog again - It's fucking important!

A lot has changed.

Many circles have moved forward, become full, started again and whole new ones started.

I've learnt a lot. I've become very impatient to learn even more - nothing is quite enough - the world can NOT keep up with the beat my heart needs - I try to force it - it maybe isn't a good idea to hurry things by force. I just WANT so much, right now. And it's always been like that for me - if things take too long or come too slowly I can't concentrate (like in school) - now the slow, clumsy and even backwards pace depresses and passivates me quite a bit...
Right now I'm in a state of waiting.

I think I have become slightly more accepting and thus less judgemental.

I've become stronger once again. I know I have less to fear.

I've started drinking coffee, lost my fear of heights and well... become uncertain of certain things that had become a very big part of my identity.

I've found some old traits in me again.

Some mighty big circles have caught up with themselves. I've found some long lost pieces of identity again. Wild stuff. Assuring and empowering stuff. Very old pieces of personality.
I'll have to learn many things again from the beginning.
It's fortunate that we have our whole life for this process. But it IS hard to let go of the "old ways" the "outdated knowledge". And I'm very apprehensive because I feel like I'm in a hurry - probably because I fear the lack of fleetness will cause me to loose momentum for learning, the changes and evolving as a person. I might get stuck in the muck.

One slightly unpleasant newfound trait is my impatience with and slight lack of empathy towards people - In the sense that it annoys me immensely that I have to be dependent on other people and their wishes and wants as well as my own, when I WANT something from them. It's a little hard for me to accept that I may have to wait and - even worse - not get what I want at all!
Ok, I know this sounds bad. I express myself bluntly to be clear. This trait isn't a predominant one - and doesn't concern any everyday small things - but certain specific subjects and people that have caught my burning curiosity.

Enough for now. This was quite incoherent.
. . .

Sleeping

People can't sleep but can't get themselves awake either. The most common topic of conversation (if that is what the deep unfocused mumble should indeed be called), is the absence of the sun. No-one has seen it even by a glimpse for weeks. We miss it, if we didn't concentrate on missing it we'd forget it's existence altogether.
How we wish to fall in winter-hibernation... I've been suggesting all of Finland should go on strike - and sleep - until the sun is given back to us. The Soviets used to use chemicals to get rid of clouds on parade days, didn't they? ...Sure, not too ecolologically sound. Atleast I wouldn't be the only one that doesn't get anything done (I forsee this coma-like state of mine going on until the end of january at least, but I sure hope not...). It keeps raining. If it was snow it'd be better, snow reflects and multiplies the little light there is - besides I'm tired of wet trouser legs.

Still...

I don't think I've ever been this happy at this time of the year.
I'm not bursting with joy ...but yes, I'm happy.
. . .

Fertilizers and circles ( = crop circles? ;D )

Revisiting my earlier posts created an interesting thought in my head:
Shouldn't it /couldn't it be a good thing if there's a lot of crap in a relationship? Manure is good for the soil isn't it? The thought interests me.

Immediately after this I got a textmessage from my girlfriend where she called me "her flower". I told her to give me lots of light and to not overfertilize or -water me, and that she was the chicken poo of the soil of my feelings :) Sweet?

Oddly enough this created a whole other link to another thing I was thinking before, about things in life going/working in circles. Really I'm too much of a realist, but I'm greatly tempted to think there is something mysterious/magical about those circles that continuosly present themselves to me. Maybe I should become a "believer" ...instead of the cold hard rationalist?
Well, I'm already a dreamer.


People see meaning and reason behind coincidences because
they don't register the millions of things that have no connection/relation/link/coincidence with anything,
whirling around us in pure chaos,
but notice the one in a million incident where two or more things connect by chance.
(I love that chaos; for the complex logic behind the current of events and for the beauty of it's rare and yet abundant coincidents - the art of chance and the art of nature - and the fact how lucky I am on a given moment to be there, physically and mentally, to witness and to perceive it.)
Some give a philosophical answer to the question
like "a coincidence only exist when there is someone to observe the incidence", which is almost the same thing what I'm saying, but kind of like the "does a crashing tree in the woods make a sound if there is no-one there to hear it?" (ofcourse it does;) ),
to me it's pretty much just mathematics (probability calculus - By the way, funny enough, I suck at it!) besides the human reception part.
Well, others think it is by no chance.
The need to find reason and meaning behind things is so strong in humans that it misleads us from the actual reasons. The easiest way to go is to explain everything with just one explanation - usually this being god or something similar.
But isn't that what I too just did?
I'm not blind to that.
Science is in a way a religion too, but a bit more realistic well-thought and democratic then the rest, I would say. The nice thing about science is that it's not that much about deciding and claiming what the one unchangeable Truth is, but to step by step get a little closer to it (with some backward-steps too).

Besides I don't bind my beliefs in science either. I'm an agnostic and a dreamer all the way!
Infact I'm thinking whether I should give more room for my spiritual side, and maybe do some (more/all-the-way) leaps of faith of my own. Some things just don't work half-way, not for me anyways - like Love.

May Love enlighten my Spirit.
. . .

Calling the bluff?

Should I call the bluff as I see the bluff?

I do not like being manipulated/played.
And although I do try to trust in people as my first disposition, I am sensitive to noticing lies / when something is "left out"/ psychological games.
The big problem in this is that once someone is caught for telling a lie to me, I pretty much start to question and mistrust everything that comes out of their mouth. I'm like a big loyal dog - treat me bad once and the trust is gone.

But whether or not to call such bluffs?
If I don't I'll be taken for a fool who doesn't realize what's happening. But I don't really mind that very much - something someone thinks of me doesn't change what I know I am.
If someone thinks I'm stupid and gullible, they get careless and don't bother making up good lies / explanations etc. Therefor I get the advantage to better know what they are getting at or what exactly is the goal of or reasons behind their game.
Or I may find out if infact I have misinterpreted the situation, and thereafter won't accuse the person of something he/she hasn't done.
So I kind of get on top of the situation.
Or do I? I'm still the one that's being manipulated.

And on the other hand, this makes me untruthful and play a game!
Which is just intolerable!

So... I'm in a situation where I feel I'm being played and not told things.
Telling everything isn't necessary in a relationship, but when something is left out strategicly it can create a notion that the thing (or the lie) must have some great significance, because it needs to be hidden - "There must be something behind this! Why else would she lie/ have something to hide?"

If I confront her with this, she'll deny it and A: stop doing it, B: start doing it more cunningly; and it would be up to my paranoia which option I would believe.
And beyond that, I think she might genuinely think she isn't playing any games. She hides from herself but isn't capable of accepting that.
It might also be that she doesn't think what she does is wrong. There are different essential ways of seeing the world/reality afterall (whether I like the other views or not). In which case asking her not to do it anymore would do the trick if she truly cares about me. If not... that could definitely become a "dealbreaker", since being truthful is so essential for me.

What can I do or say if she doesn't even realilize that she does this?
What to do, what to do..?

Ofcourse the one last option is that I could just be plain wrong about the whole thing.
. . .