Tuesday, 28 July 2009

Burning desire

I've been sleeping indeed?
I should start writing this blog again - It's fucking important!

A lot has changed.

Many circles have moved forward, become full, started again and whole new ones started.

I've learnt a lot. I've become very impatient to learn even more - nothing is quite enough - the world can NOT keep up with the beat my heart needs - I try to force it - it maybe isn't a good idea to hurry things by force. I just WANT so much, right now. And it's always been like that for me - if things take too long or come too slowly I can't concentrate (like in school) - now the slow, clumsy and even backwards pace depresses and passivates me quite a bit...
Right now I'm in a state of waiting.

I think I have become slightly more accepting and thus less judgemental.

I've become stronger once again. I know I have less to fear.

I've started drinking coffee, lost my fear of heights and well... become uncertain of certain things that had become a very big part of my identity.

I've found some old traits in me again.

Some mighty big circles have caught up with themselves. I've found some long lost pieces of identity again. Wild stuff. Assuring and empowering stuff. Very old pieces of personality.
I'll have to learn many things again from the beginning.
It's fortunate that we have our whole life for this process. But it IS hard to let go of the "old ways" the "outdated knowledge". And I'm very apprehensive because I feel like I'm in a hurry - probably because I fear the lack of fleetness will cause me to loose momentum for learning, the changes and evolving as a person. I might get stuck in the muck.

One slightly unpleasant newfound trait is my impatience with and slight lack of empathy towards people - In the sense that it annoys me immensely that I have to be dependent on other people and their wishes and wants as well as my own, when I WANT something from them. It's a little hard for me to accept that I may have to wait and - even worse - not get what I want at all!
Ok, I know this sounds bad. I express myself bluntly to be clear. This trait isn't a predominant one - and doesn't concern any everyday small things - but certain specific subjects and people that have caught my burning curiosity.

Enough for now. This was quite incoherent.
. . .