Monday, 17 August 2009

Presumptions & Hope

Making NO presumptions leaves room for hope. Hope is the way to disappointment. It is a cruel gift indeed.
I will still rather keep my hope and my mind open much as I humanly possibly can.
I will keep balancing on the rope - with this two edged sword too. But for a while I think - I will settle for some close movements and not make any great leaps.

I do think I've lost the momentum. I think I may be giving up on certain endeavours, for now.
Or is this just a lesson I don't want to take?

My trip was mentally unsuccesfull - in more ways than I even first thought. Life played a cruel joke on me, with my own eager help. And I never left "home" even though I was in the middle of the ocean.
...Unless maybe for a few moments:
When the salty water hit my face with force as the waves battered and threw about the small sailing boat, as I smiled and thought about what a gentle lover the sea is to us.
I wouldn't have guessed I wouldn't be at all afraid at that situation.
. . .

Saturday, 8 August 2009

Frostbites & Growth

Is this the wrong direction? Am I just too scared to actually take the "right" road? Or is it just that I want to go over the speedlimit while the whole traffic is jammed?
I'm taking risks, but not enough I still feel, yet I am vulnerable.
I have appetites to satisfy and lessons to learn! Don't stop me now!

I'll go on a trip. A whole new kind of trip - to see what lies in the new horizon. Sailing.
I hope I can make the trip in my life and within my thoughts as well.
I'm sure the change will help me see more clearly what exactly is going on in my life. The changes you make into your physical world help make the same changes mentally. The effect works both ways - you may travel to the other side of the world but if nothing changes in your thinking, you get nowhere.

I want to burst into life, but the world is too dangerous a place. I'm drawn to cold people, but don't want to get frostbitten. Something definitely is out of sync! Like I was a plant that thinks it's springtime, but all the others think it's winter, and what IS it then really?
Think it could be spring - if there weren't for the stallers and the speedlimits.
Maybe I just am one of those crazy plants that bloom in the most awkward times.

Beats of the heart can not be controlled. This insatiable burning pesters me.
I can't be sure whether I wish to cease to have these strong needs and feelings or to find a channel to explode with them. Being inbetween is too difficult. Oh, why does the world have to hinder me... I have lessons to learn! I have much growing to do! There is light but there is no water!

The problem is that I need some people or someone who'll meet me on the same level - and meet my needs. They seem scarce. Many things I have learnt in the recent times by just connecting with the right, new, different, good people ...but I keep wasting a lot of time with bad seeds too.
...and (as I have stated) it's not - nothing quite is - enough right at this moment in life (atleast nothing that I am getting).

Besides I'm scared of finding myself to be one of the bad seeds.
. . .